Thursday, April 28, 2011

Rough draft - Research paper #1

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BRAlIFyXuCiyfx9gloY3mgiUjfodjriinh7Pwt4Mqoo/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLmgk5EC
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1 comment:

  1. Cindy GarciaMay 5, 2011 at 6:54 PM

    Claudia;

    My name is Cindy Garcia and I am a student of the Honors ENG 260 class. I was assigned to revise your essay (I read the one you posted as research paper #1).
    Overall, your essay is good; proper use of language to support your argument, well structured paragraphs, and very few grammatical mistakes.
    My suggestion is to edit your introduction. I think it is too dense, you tried to put too much in there; you can either remove some details or make such details more evident. For instance, the question you included there....I am not sure what is the point you are trying to make. I am sure the point is obvious to you; but if it isn't obvious to the reader, then you ought to work on that. Remember, the reader shouldn't struggle trying to figure out what you are saying, it should be an easy, convincing, persuasive read.
    Another thing I noticed was the lack of quotation marks when referring to "made up" words ( it should read "macho-ness").
    Finally, I would be clear as to the sources you are using. Suddenly I found my self reading "Espiritu......" I had to pause and wonder who Espiritu is? A good way is to introduce them by profession; e.g. "Stanford head of Psychology Jane Green".

    Your argument is good, and you have the correct sources to back it up. However, a good proofread and edit will definitely bring the essay strength and grade up a notch.

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